you’ve always been the one who had to hold it together

emotional

• Difficulty identifying and expression your feelings (alexithymia).

• Feeling emotionally detached or disconnected

• Strong emotions feel confusing, overwhelming, or unacceptable to have

• You tend to minimize (“It wasn’t that bad”) or hide your own pain

• You suppress emotions and bite your tongue to keep the peace or avoid rejection

• Feeling guilty or ashamed for having needs or emotions (you may find yourself apologizing for “being in the way” or crying)

• You have trouble self-soothing; emotions either shut you down or flood you.

• Trouble feeling joy, excitement, or spontaneous emotion

recognizable family dynamics

• Parents who dismissed, minimized, evaded or mocked emotions

• You were praised for being “so mature for your age” “easy,” or “no trouble” (at the cost of your emotional expression)

• Parents were wrapped up in stress, and preoccupied with their own emotions, image, or needs

• Your feelings were minimized and you were discouraged from expressing anger, sadness, or vulnerability (“get over it,” “stop crying,” “suck it up,” “you’re fine”)

• You had to be a “little adult” —often parenting siblings or soothing and managing parents’ moods (parentification)

• Parents focused on behavior, grades, chores, not emotional connection

• Love, connection, and attention was conditional: based on achievements, obedience, or emotional compliance

• Conflict was avoided or explosive — either way, emotional safety was missing

sense of self

• A subtle, but pervasive sense of emptiness, feeling that you don’t truly know yourself, or that you’re missing something that everyone else has

• Feeling that your value depends on achievements, appearances, or usefulness

• Feeling invisible, unimportant, or undeserving of connection unless you perform or please

• You take pride in your independence to the point of struggling to accept help (counter-dependence)

• Persistent sense of being “different” “on the outside” or that “something’s wrong with you”. You may think “if people really knew me, they wouldn’t want to be around me”

• You fear failing and being seen as “too much” or “needy”

• You often feel empty after success — achievements don’t fill the void.

internal experience

• Subtle, but persistent emptiness or sense of being disconnected from life (not feeling fully “alive” or engaged in life)

• Difficulty relaxing, resting, or feeling settled

• Self-blame: assuming negative events are your fault.

• Inner loneliness even when surrounded by people

• Tendency to ruminate, overthink, or replay interactions looking for what you did wrong

• You feel “on guard” around others, scanning for cues of disapproval or withdrawal

• You doubt your perception of things because your feelings were often invalidated

• Plenty of compassion for others, but little or none for yourself

• Deep and/or chronic fatigue from carrying emotional responsibility for others (always rising above things or being “the bigger person”)

• A strong desire for external validation or reassurance (wanting to know you’re “on track”)

relationtionships

• Always being “easy-going” (people-pleasing) and difficulty setting boundaries and saying “no.”

• Attracting emotionally unavailable, self-centered, or avoidant partners

• Feeling lonely or unseen even in close relationships

• Difficulty trusting others with your feelings

• You overfunction in relationships — centering others and minimizing your own needs

• You often feel drained or unseen after spending time with others

• Fear of being a burden; you hesitate to ask for support

• You may swing between over-dependence (seeking reassurance) and counter-dependence (avoiding closeness)

• Boundaries feel confusing: you either have none, or you wall yourself off

longterm patterns // adult outcomes

• Difficulty knowing what you want or need (or feeling like you don’t truly know yourself)

• A tendency to live in “auto-pilot” mode, subtle disconnection from self, others, and life (you may also tend to “check-out” via marijuana, doom scrolling, binge watching, etc.)

• Chronic dissatisfaction, restlessness, motivation struggles, or cycles of burnout

• Trouble forming healthy, reciprocal relationships (experiencing a number of one-sided relationships)

• Attracting narcissistic, self-focused, or emotionally unavailable partners

• Believing your childhood was “good” or “fine”, but trouble recalling childhood memories (“it’s blurry” or “I don’t feel connected to it”)

• Seeking external validation but feeling uncomfortable when receiving it

• Overdeveloped empathy for others; underdeveloped self-compassion

• Difficulty sustaining emotional intimacy — closeness feels both desired and threatening

• Tendencies to hold things in, figure things out on your own, rooted in the internalized beliefs like “I can’t rely on anyone” and “I have to do it on my own”

Current interactions with parents

• Conversations stay on the surface revolving around errands, family gossip, or daily logistics rather than curiosity about who you are, what you think, or how you feel

• You sense that they’re more talking at you than connecting with you. You feel unseen or emotionally invisible, even while physically present with them

• They rarely ask you open, genuine questions about your inner world — your dreams, values, beliefs, or emotion

• Moments of vulnerability often lead to discomfort — they might minimize your feelings (“that’s not so bad”), compare you to others, or shift focus back to themselves

• They seem more interested in talking about other people’s lives than engaging directly with you

• They may express hurt that you don’t reach out enough, but when you do, the interaction leaves you feeling lonelier or guilty instead of connected

• Attempts at closeness are undercut by criticism, unsolicited advice, or tone-deaf reactions that make you pull away

• You feel an emotional “push-pull”: wanting genuine connection but bracing for disappointment

• Contact feels obligatory — you call or visit not out of desire, but out of guilt, duty, or fear of being seen as uncaring. When you do call or visit it often centers around their complaints, grievances, or emotional needs. Afterward, you feel emotionally exhausted, irritable, or quietly sad — a sense that the interaction cost more than it gave.

• Deep down, you grieve the version of the relationship that never existed: the parent who would truly see, understand, and be curious about you